Always Running Read online

  Always Running

  La Vida Loca: Gang Days in L.A.

  Luis J. Rodríguez

  This work is dedicated to:

  Antonio Gutierrez

  Carlos Mancillas

  Eddie Lozano

  Linda Treviño

  John “Spook” Fabela

  Marlene “Negra” Domínguez

  Don “Sonny” López

  Miguel Robles

  Elías Avila

  Richard “Porky” Sierra

  Lenard “Gallo” Ocaña

  Fernando “Caballo” Arredondo

  Martin Alvarado

  Fidel “Puppet” Hernandez

  Marcelino “Daddio” Cabrera

  David “Puppet” Alcon

  Freddie Mendoza

  David “Loco” Domínguez

  Ricky Herrera

  René Molinar

  Al “Pache” Alvarez

  Leonard “Lalo” Villaseñor

  Ruben “Sharkie” Martínez

  Daniel “Indio” Cabrera

  and

  Rodolfo “Sonny” Gómez

  My life is a poem to their memory.

  —Luis J. Rodríguez

  Contents

  The Long Run: New Introduction to Always Running

  Preface to 1993 Edition

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  A Biography of Luis J. Rodríguez

  Glossary

  The Long Run: New Introduction to Always Running

  “My task is to make you hear, to make you feel, and, above all, to make you see. That is all, and it is everything.”

  —Joseph Conrad

  WHAT’S HAPPENED IN THE more than ten years since Always Running first hit the bookstands? My son Ramiro, for whom I wrote the book, is serving a 28-year prison sentence for three counts of attempted murder. More of my homies from 30 years ago have died, including Rene Muñoz-Ledo, who wrote a family-produced book, “Forgiven,” about overcoming his gang and drug experiences before succumbing to cancer in 2004. The Chicago youth I started to work with right after the book’s publication through Youth Struggling for Survival (YSS) continue to organize and thrive, although a few have been killed or imprisoned.

  Good and bad things have occurred. But the good—young people changing their lives, the growth of organized urban peace efforts, the expansion of spiritual-based practices and the intensifying debate on how to address violence in this country—have far outweighed the bad.

  I have gone to hundreds of public and private schools to speak. In Boston’s Hyde Park, the mostly African American students there created a ballet and a rap song based on the book. In East Lansing’s Eastern High where black and Mexican youth had been warring, Always Running became the one thing they could unite on (a student there painted a mural in the school library with scenes from the book). In East L.A.’s Garfield High, Chicano students established an after-school study circle to become intellectually engaged and politically active based on what they learned from the book.

  I’ve visited numerous prisons, juvenile detention centers, sober-living homes and rehabilitation centers. I’ve read my poems in the Maximum Security Yard at San Quentin Prison as prisoners talked, worked out with weights, played chess and jogged (oh, and quite a few stopped to listen). In one California prison, I saw a homeboy I had not seen in 30 years—all that time he’d been in prison. He told me, “Whatever you do, help the kids.” I’ve met court judges who made reading my book part of offenders’ sentences.

  I’ve addressed thousands of teachers, law enforcement personnel, social workers, community organizers, journalists, government officials, graduate students, writers and others in countless conferences, workshops, peace summits and forums.

  I’ve appeared on major media programs such as The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, CNN’s Talk Live, The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, and other shows on BBC-London, C-SPAN, National Public Radio, Discovery’s Health Network, Pacifica Radio, PBS-TV, Spanish-language TV and radio networks and more.

  My work has taken me to Toronto, Montreal, Paris, London, Rome, Milan, Berlin, Hamburg, Frankfort, Cologne, Munich, Heidelberg, southern Germany, Amsterdam, Groningen, Salzburg, Mexico City, Chihuahua, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua and Puerto Rico.

  For more than a decade, I’ve taken part in purification ceremonies in Native American and Native Mexican “sweat” lodges (called inipis or temescallis) with gang and other troubled youth as well as recovering adults; with longtime spiritual friends Luis Ruan, Frank Blázquez, and my wife, Trini; and with elder medicine men like Anthony Lee of the Navajo Reservation.

  This work is about the “long run,” not just for today, for any possible accolades or to meet funding deadlines—but for the adequate and full protection, health and balance, as Native elders say, of our young people seven generations from now.

  In spite of this, Always Running has become a lightning rod for certain right-wing groups who are trying to stop its use in schools because of the book’s politics and graphic nature. According to the American Library Association, it is one of the 100 most censored books in the United States.

  In Rockford, Illinois, I debated a prominent school board member lobbying to ban the book to an overflow audience of mostly book supporters. In San Jose, California, I wrote an opinion piece to counter the efforts there to remove the book from approved reading lists. In Chicago, I addressed leaders of a group of 200 students who had walked out of their school to protest the removal of the book from the school library.

  One strange incident occurred in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I was speaking at various schools and community events in the area. At one point, I tried to enter a school with Always Running in hand. School officials stopped me at the entrance saying I could come in, but my book could not—it had been banned in that school.

  As I see it, the battle lines are between the idealized, superficial and insular-minded way of looking at the world (which many schools and mainstream culture impose on our children and the rest of us), and the actual conditions of our lives with all its multiplicity, struggle, shading and nuance. Most children recognize the hypocrisy of emphasizing a linear, clean and desexed past while they confront daily the muddy, uncertain and hybrid truths.

  Sexuality, for example, is a natural part of human development. Books don’t cause teenagers to become sexual—hormones do. Instead of providing understanding and badly needed guidance to teenagers when the hormones kick in, too often they are told “sex is wrong,” that it shouldn’t be addressed until they mature (instead of preparing them so they do mature), and that there’s only one way of looking at sex and other disturbing topics like race, class and power (mostly by denying their existence). The truth is much more complex.

  There is too much censorship of reality in the classroom. Whatever involves social discomfort, emotional depth or hard thinking is cut out. Language, behavior, ideas, ways of expression and authentic imaginations—as well as books—have been censored. Everything is directed toward “normalcy,” the folding into the fast-paced, material- and status-oriented capitalist value system. As a result, much of the expanse and variety of the human condition is belittled or invalidated. Our humanity is sacrificed, little by little.

  Despite this, Always Running continues to be requested and used. I’ve been told countless times that this is one of the few books nonreaders love to read. And that it is often the most stolen book in libraries and classrooms. I don’t condone this, although it usually happens in places where there are n
o bookstores or decent library facilities.

  Yes, Always Running is hard-core. Yes, it’s graphic. It’s meant to be this way. You can’t tell this true story about real gang life without the graphic details. Many kids who love the book have also lived through similar experiences. Too many adults are naive or close-minded about what their children are going through.

  The thing is, Always Running was a book that had to be written. It’s the first major account of the Chicano barrio gang experience from an actual participant (unlike the many sociological studies by social scientists). After more than 80 years of L.A. barrio warfare, thousands killed, several generations of gang families, parents who lost two or three sons, this story had to be told.

  I can’t claim Always Running is representative of the vastly multifaceted Chicano gang life. I can only take responsibility for the truths I felt compelled to reveal, with the necessary changes in facts and names to protect the innocent and the guilty.

  Like any good story, there are deep lessons, most of which I learned “the hard way.” My life on the streets involved stealing, shootings, stabbings, arrests, homelessness, drug use and overdoses. I’ve been beaten and shot at—although never hit—and I’ve beaten, stabbed and shot at others. I felt too far gone to be redeemed, to be any good to anyone or anything. I didn’t have plans for a future, for a career, or the dreams to take me there.

  You’ll find all this and more in Always Running.

  At the same time, you’ll also discover the transcendent account of a poet/artist who, with the help of a small, socially engaged core of community leaders and teachers, overcame his own deeply held pathologies to take on the great challenges of an oppressive and exploitative reality—and finding his own particular destiny with words, dedicated himself to making positive contributions in transforming that reality.

  I went from victim to perpetrator to witness to revolutionary. More than 30 years later, I continue to do the vital work of helping create a healthy earth and a healthy society worthy of our gifts, our needs and our dreams (which is the ultimate struggle, the one fight really worth fighting).

  I have a duty to take those lessons and experiences to as many people as will listen, to expand the conversation about why people join gangs, are violent, lose their imaginations and their hopes, and what we can do as creative and caring communities to truly see and address these ongoing and deepening concerns.

  Censorship, repression and suppression simply don’t work.

  All-out creativity; poetic expression; access to life-giving resources; truly meaningful and respectful relationships; purposeful and life-affirming schooling and work (jobs and more jobs); decent health care; drug and psychiatric treatment as needed; and truly rehabilitative and initiatory practices are a few of the things that do work.

  But the political will and narrowing economic resources, as well as the cultural values of our present time, have not fostered the growth or taken up the responsibility of healing a nation. Prisons and war seem to be the only way out for most poor and abandoned communities.

  We have the technological means, we have the people, we have the ideas—we don’t have the proper social organization.

  No one can stand gangs. Everyone wants to get rid of them. But the solid and necessary work that will actually delve into the social, political, psychological, economic and spiritual basis for gangs, drug addictions, as well as domestic and street violence is not being done. To paraphrase Henry David Thoreau, thousands are hacking at the branches of the problem; few are working at the root.

  While it’s true many organizations, churches, unions, neighborhood councils, native sweat lodge circles, community centers, arts programs, poetry circles, hip-hop organizations and mentoring groups continue to transform lives among the most hard-core gang youth, there are still tens of thousands more young people, most not even in gangs, who are being abandoned, pushed aside, condemned to prison, drug addictions or early deaths.

  Ramiro is one of the statistics, although he’s not a number to me—he’s my son. I have discussed extensively in writing, in the media, and in front of countless audiences my particular contribution to Ramiro’s breakdown and eventual imprisonment. Essentially, I neglected Ramiro and my daughter, Andrea, after their mom and I broke up. Years later, when they came to live with me in Chicago, they were resentful pissed-off teenagers. As one can imagine, I had a hard time trying to be the father figure they desperately needed. Even still, there are those who have made Ramiro’s ordeal a focal point to attack me and my book.

  How can I claim my book has changed lives when my own son is incarcerated? Doesn’t this prove these kids aren’t worthy of help?

  My answer would be an emphatic no. As Ramiro’s father, I had no choice but to step up to the plate, to become the father I should’ve been when they were younger. But I was also in the process of healing. After many failed tries, I finally took part in a recovery program and became sober after seven years of drug use and twenty years of drinking, a sobriety I have maintained for a dozen years since mid-1993.

  Now I had no excuses. I could focus on my son’s ordeals. I could be a better husband, friend, father and leader. Always Running contributed immensely to my personal healing. Writing about my violent gang life, the drug addictions, the rages and fears, proved to be risky and extremely difficult, but deeply cathartic.

  Eventually, I reconciled with Ramiro, now 30, even while he was imprisoned in various Illinois Department of Corrections facilities. I couldn’t bail him out of the trouble he was in, but I wouldn’t abandon him either. I’ve promised to stand by him and provide whatever assistance he needs to become strong and wise from this prison experience. He promised he would do well so he could get out in 14 years with good time—he wants to be a father to his three children and an active participant in the communities of imagination and hope we’ve been working toward. At great risk, he left the gang life. He’s also been a teacher’s aide, helping other prisoners.

  Recently, Ramiro wrote: “When Always Running was first written, it opened my eyes to some of the things you have experienced, and some of the changes you have made in your life … [T]hings would have been a lot worse for me if you did not try to make an effort to help me escape from some of the craziness. … I am grateful for you always being there for me. Even when we did not get along and our relationship was estranged, you still stayed a presence in my life. We accomplished a lot together, and one of those accomplishments was YSS … it helped us to stay connected. [Ironically] my coming to prison is what helped us to become closer. We finally have a true father and son relationship. That should be a new message for fathers from your book: Don’t wait until your son goes to prison to finally get to know him.”

  I’ve learned a lot from Ramiro—it wasn’t always me who did the teaching.

  I’ve come a long way since Always Running first saw the light of day. But this journey would not have been possible without the immense patience, love and support of my wonderful family: my wife Trini; our two sons, Rubén, 17, and Luis, 11; my 28-year-old daughter, Andrea; and my grandchildren—Ricardo, Anastasia, Amanda Mae and Catalina.

  Also I have to recognize my mother, Maria Estela: Despite years of not talking to each other, and a battle with cancer that she’s overcome, we’re now very close (my father, Alfonso, died in 1992 before Always Running came out). And my brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, and countless uncles, aunts and cousins (a few of them had problems when my book was first published but, in time, became my biggest fans).

  I also have to thank Alexander Taylor, Judith Doyle and the board and staff at Curbstone Press of Willimantic, Connecticut, who first published Always Running and continue to support my work—as well as the publishers and editors of Touchstone Books/Simon & Schuster, who have kept the paperback version of Always Running in print (more than 20 printings as of this writing).

  And I thank all the teachers, librarians, parents, students, law enforcement officers, judges, booksellers, writers, rehab c
ounselors and community activists who have ensured my books remain on the shelves, in the hands of young people, and have also helped in fighting the censorship attempts, allowing new generations to enjoy and learn from this story.

  I was not a good father or a good son, but I learned. I was not a good poet, but I never stopped writing. I couldn’t put two words together when I spoke, but now no one can shut me up. I had a hard time dealing with my addictions, my rages, but somehow, some way, I overcame them.

  The fact is I failed at everything I tried to do, but I kept working at it, failing some more, not giving up, so that eventually, at age 51, I’ve begun to center my life, get control over my destructive impulses, and become someone my wife, my kids, my grandchildren, and my community can learn from and respect.

  If Always Running didn’t help anybody, at least it brought miracles and magic into my life. It saved me. And this is good. Let me tell you. This is really good. Where I can appreciate the stillness of the morning instead of endure the screams in my head, where I don’t have to lose myself to the slow suicide of drugs and alcohol, as I’d done for 27 years, where I can be thankful and humbled before the world, before our immense tasks as revolutionary thinkers and doers, not just for the present, but for the Long Run, seven generations hence.

  This is good, let me tell you. This is really good.

  —Luis J. Rodríguez, Spring 2005

  THERE IS NO ABSOLUTE peril except for him who abandons himself; there is no complete death except for him who acquires a taste for dying.

  —Jacques Rivière

  Preface to 1993 Edition

  “We have the right to lie, but not about the heart of the matter.”

  —Antonin Artaud

  LATE WINTER CHICAGO, EARLY 1991: The once-white snow which fell in December had turned into a dark scum, mixed with ice-melting salt, car oil and decay. Icicles hung from rooftops and windowsills like the whiskers of old men.

  For months, the bone-chilling “hawk” swooped down and forced everyone in the family to squeeze into a one-and-a-half bedroom apartment in a gray-stone, three-flat building in the Humboldt Park neighborhood.